The Adventures of the Swashbuckler

The mCommerce Revolution will be in Color!

The Swashbuckler looked at his mobile screen, again. He couldn’t believe it. Color.

It was a fall day, and the wind was blowing through the grey city streets. As he walked past the shiny plate glass windows of a big retailer, he appraised himself in the reflection. Black shoes. Black socks. Black pants. Black shirt. If the window could see through his pants, it would find black underwear.

The Swashbuckler was not used to color. Mobile applications generally steered away from color, favoring black or blue text on white. Yet here was this new mShopper application, beckoning him to try it. Rainbow colors, the blogs had warned. Trippy. Trippy indeed. With apprehension and uncertainty, the Swashbuckler started using the app as he went through the store doors.

First, he noticed the speed of use (courtesy of a powerful new search algorithm) and the new features. Hot Deals? First Dibs? Browsing by Category, and Merchant? The Swashbuckler was quickly warming to the new palette. Then he found the tomato link.

The tomato link stood apart from the rest. It said “See How it Works” in a field of wild brightness. Behind the link was a demo animation of mShopper, intended to show new users how to use it, and why. Clearly, new users would be drawn to the link. He thought about this. “If this gets more new users to join this little revolution,” he thought, “then it’s good, by definition.”

Then the big thought came to him, literally widening his eyes. The mCommerce revolution will be in color.

He went back to the app on his handset, and found a great product at eLuxury (http://eluxury.mshopper.com) to suit his bright new mood: a new pair of Paul Smith Mini Stripe boxers. [Paul Smith's comfortable woven cotton boxer flaunts signature multicolor stripes for distinctive style. With a twobutton fly and elasticized waistband. 100% woven cotton Twobutton fly Comfortable, elasticized waistband.]

Selah.

Two-Field Entry Yields 10x Leap in Performance

Scientists at mShopper’s secure Mind Propulsion Labs have managed to produce a product search method which yields results which are more than 10 times better than typical methods.

“How did we do this?” asked lead scientist Dr. McGeorge McSweeney. “Well, if you reporters had the benefit of basic 3^rd grade math, you wouldn’t ask these silly questions. This would be a non-story.” McSweeney went on to explain to gathered reporters that that the patented two-field product entry yields results which are 10 times more accurate than standard single-entry searches, not twice as accurate, as previously assumed.

“When you create a second dimension for search, you’re adding an order of magnitude to the query,” he explained in an exasperated tone, intertwined with a bit of condescension. “People who search for both Brand and Model will obviously get results which are far more accurate than single-query searches because we’re searching for models within a brand,” he added.

In fact, the results are even more than 10x better. Because mShopper allows users to enter partial Brands and Models, accurate results can be achieved in far fewer keystrokes, an important feature for mobile users who are on the go. Using the partial entry feature, users can enter “pan” when they’re searching for “Panasonic” TVs, for example, thus saving the time and effort required to enter the whole brand. “mShopper’s query fields were optimized both for shopping and for mobile use,” Dr. McSweeney said. “This is nothing new,” he added. “Please stop bothering me.”

Consumers were quick to comment on the changes. In an informal survey of users, 98.2% of first-time visitors favored the dual-entry search results.

It's a Trap!

mShopper users are often told that they “become engrossed with their cell phones” and “distant” when using mShopper. Now, there’s scientific evidence which may confirm the existence of this problem, and more.

In a study conducted by the famed Gravitron Centre at Pepperdyne University, Dr. Hamish O’Reilly and his fellow researchers have concluded that using mShopper while shopping triggers the release of dopamine in the brain.

“Heavy mShopper users are at risk of, dare we say it, a form of mental addiction,” Dr. O’Reilly said. The researchers discovered that dopamine production in the brain more than triples during mShopper use. mShopper users also displayed increased levels of neurotransmitters including pyroglutamate, choline, DMAE, and vinpocetine, a substance found in ginkgo biloba.

The increase of the psychoactive chemical dopamine was roughly the same as when a person is injected with amphetamines or the attention-deficit disorder drug, Ritalin. This is the first hard evidence that mShopper use may be addictive.

Observers have long feared that heavy mShopper use may be dangerous. With new enhancements due to be released by the company imminently, the recent study’s release is well-timed. Sources inside mShopper’s secure Mind Propulsion Labs report that internal focus group testing of the latest features revealed even more troubling side-effects. Heavy test users experienced sensations of great powers, including increased strength, mental prowess, and physical levity. In a handful of cases, users experienced moderate to significant natural male enhancement.

The sources were not willing to speak on the record.

What can be done to alleviate the problem? The researchers suggest that those who plan to use mShopper regularly first conduct a rigorous self-evaluation. Ask yourself the following questions:

(1) Are you someone who can’t leave home without your cell phone?

(2) Do you like to buy stuff?

If the answers to both of these questions are “Yes!”, you may be at risk. Please take the following precautions. First, only use mShopper in the presence of others, not alone. Make sure your partner or friends know how to perform standard awareness-restoration techniques, including, but not limited to, slaps to the face and/or pinches. Limit activity to no more than 100 searches per day. In extreme emergency situations, call mShopper’s hot line at 866-722-2789.

Confusion Reigns: Where Did Everybody Go?

An article in USA TODAY reveals that “mall sales are down about 8% over the past two years.” The article goes on to explain, “Malls have had more competition in recent years from online merchants and from outdoor shopping centers that allow customers to get in and out quickly without having to walk through a mall.”

Coupled with this weekend’s news from the New York Times that online sales growth is in a long-term decline, one can only wonder where all the sales are going...

Just how many mobile shoppers are out there?

Chronicle of a Death Foretold

The Swashbuckler has just been informed of the death of online retailing. Though rumors have persisted for some time, and in fact, have been previously proven quite premature, this time the trouble seems to be backed up by cold, hard facts.

According to numbers cited in the New York Times, the growth of online retailing has slowed, perhaps for the long term. What does this mean? Well, obviously, it means that most retail sales happen in retail stores. Retail stores account for nearly 20 TIMES the volume of online sales. That’s where the real action is. And if the growth of online sales is in decline, this can only mean that the bulk of sales will continue to be where they are: in the store.

This is not wholly surprising. There are intractable issues, as the economists might say. Atoms are atoms. People like to see stuff before they buy it. People like to touch it, try it on, and play with it. Equally important, people like the social aspect of shopping. It’s not just a hunt, it’s more like a journey.

If this sounds too out-there to you, just remember, you’re one of the subset of the total population who actually reads four paragraphs down on an unfamiliar blog. You’re in the minority. Get out from behind your computer sometime and hit the mall. It’s a whole world waiting to be discovered.

Btw, once there, if you’re itching to buy something, but nervous about the price, bring your mobile web-equipped cell phone with you.

Convenience is so Sexy!

Inspired by the real-life needs of actual mShopper employees, mShopper’s intrepid engineers have made yet another exciting new breakthrough. Working in around-the-clock shifts at their secret location deep in the Colorado Rockies, researchers at mShopper’s Mind Propulsion Labs have devised a tool which will bring the convenience of mobile shopping to hundreds, perhaps even thousands of mountain bikers.

 

Here’s how it works: Simply install the sleek helmet-mounted, bike crank powered "mTenna" atop your current bicycle helmet. Attach one of its wires (the red one, of course) to your bike’s rear wheel mounted crank power generator. Clip the end of the blue wire to your cell phone’s antenna. And voila, you have a tool which enables your cell to access mobile data, ANYWHERE.*

The technology behind the mTenna is anything but simple, of course. Tiny microprocessors guide the self-adjusting antenna dish toward mShopper's network of geo-synchronous satellites located in space high above you. From your perspective, however, simply forget about the technology. You’ve got the ability to go mShopping, wherever you are. Whether walking around in the big city, or biking above the clouds miles away from the nearest cell tower, you’re all set. Point your cell to http://shop.mshopper.com, and enjoy life.

Yet again, mShopper is building in convenience. Similarly, mShopper’s newest merchant, eLUXURY, does the same. Now you can buy the latest items from eLUXURY right through your phone. Imagine you’re at the store, looking at a stylish Marc Jacobs Gladiator Boot (retail price: $785, available exclusively through eLUXURY). Now imagine your horror when you discover that the store is out of your size! What to do? Let your fingers do the walking. Pull out your phone, type in a few characters, and buy the boots you want right through your phone!

Convenience is so sexy.

*NOTE: Cross wire installation may result in reduced coordination, scalding, nausea, shortness of breath, dizziness, or death.

Easy-To-Use Swashbuckler Self-Evaluation

Here's an easy way for you to figure out if you have what it takes to be a swashbuckler.

Thanks for asking. 

mShop the Fear Away!

According to the experts (including Kathy Sierra), companies should help customers confront their fears. The Swashbuckler has been saying this all along. In fact, he'd like to take it up a notch. He'd like to dare you, yes, DARE YOU to confront a salesman today.

Walk into a big box store. Find something you want to buy. Look the price up on mShopper. If there's a difference (and there will be), go up to a salesperson and ASK HIM TO BEAT THE PRICE.

Scared? The Swashbuckler eats high prices for breakfast. He lives to confront salespeople in the store. Try it. What's the worst thing that will happen? (Hint: the salesperson will not punch you in the face.) Either the salesperson will kindly match your price, or you'll go ahead and buy it through mShopper. Either way, you win. You'll feel like a whole new person. mProved. mBoldened. mPowered.

[Editor's Note: If the salesperson bears any resemblance to Basil Rathbone, you're on your own. We suggest that unless you're a trained professional, you back away slowly.]

Sharing is Divine. On mShopper, It's Also Profitable.

When did sharing get such a bad rap? The Swashbuckler can remember a time when sharing was a virtue. He remembers gazing up, through his black slitted mask, at his kindergarten teacher, nodding approvingly when he shared with friends.

What happened? When did people start getting sued for a billion dollars by mega-corporations for sharing? Inspired by recent controversies in the world of sharing (see Richard MacManus, and everyone else), the Swashbuckler is inclined to offer his own highly developed thinking on the subject.

Sharing involves a certain etiquette. For it to be uncontroversial, sharing has to benefit: (1) the sender, (2) the recipient, and (3) the creator of the stuff you're sharing. Forget any one of these people, and you get sued for a billion dollars.

That's why the Swashbuckler is so pleased when he shares prices on mShopper. He knows that it gives him a certain pride to find a hot low price. And he knows it pleases his friends when they save money. Even the creators of the shared items (in this case, prices, created by merchants) are happy.

 

Be an mShopper. Be mPowered.

While you may be surprised by the sheer bravado of a retailer gaming the system to never be undersold by its own Web site (see Seth Godin), the Swashbuckler is not surprised at all. You see, online prices are typically at least 15% lower across the board, versus in-store prices. Some of the best online retailers have made it common practice to not only beat in-store prices by a wide margin, but also to offer friendly and personalized customer service. Could it be that small stores who sell their wares over the Web are more trusworthy than big retailers with tons of overhead? Imagine that.

Actually, it's not hard to imagine, which is why every month or so, one might find a news story like this one floating around. Want to combat this? Be armed with the proper information, at the right time and place for it to be most useful. Be a smart shopper. 

The Swoosh.

This, mes amis, is the sound of a cell phone antenna brandished before a disinterested store clerk. Naturallement.

Swashbucklers in our Midst

Editor's Note: When we first encountered the Swashbuckler, we were, shall we say, a bit overwhelmed by his zeal. Can you be both inspired and trepidatious at once? Not knowing the full extent of his background (but suspecting dark origins, and dare we say it, suspicious leanings), we were unsure whether to take him seriously, or too seriously. Our decision was made, however, when we discovered that the Swashbuckler is not alone. There are many out there who share both his passion, and his whiskers. It turns out we are surrounded by Swashbucklers in our midst. To wit:

Twice the Romance, Half the Price

The Swashbuckler’s eyes narrowed to slits. His nostrils flared. His right eyebrow rose into a sharp arch. Finally, the corners of his mouth rose ever so slightly into a knowing grin. The only thing which remained perfectly immobile was his plush, yet improbably manicured, moustache:

He had found it.

He checked and double-checked the number on his cell-phone. Yes, he was still correct. The price shown was half, yes HALF, the price shown on the in-store tag.

Once again, the Swashbuckler had foiled a corporate behemoth’s best-laid plans. He had found his quarry, saved the day.

The Swashbuckler knew he needed to act fast. What would he do? He could show the price to an in-store salesman (he’d have to find one first). Or he could save the deal, or share it with a comrade. Being the Swashbuckler, you know what he did. He acted—right then and there! Quickly, without hesitation, the man in black pressed the “BuyIt” button on his cell phone, entered his four-digit pin, and stole into the night.

Such was the frolicking life of the Swashbuckler. Every so often, commonly but not perfectly correlated with the rise of a full moon, the Swashbuckler ventured out in anonymity into the big stores, the giants with their oh-so-slick jingles, in search of his next great find. Sometimes, on rare occasions, he’d just return with a few shared deals, and maybe a 15% or 20% savings. More commonly, he would find a deal for himself or a friend saving at least a few hundred dollars. And every so often, when the moment was right, he would find the big one—the keystone—the Half Price Item.

The Swashbuckler knew that the average search through his cell phone would yield a 15% savings. That was nice, and on a big ticket item, that would be more than enough. But the Swashbuckler was not satisfied with being average. No sir, he was far from it. He’d long ago found that 15% was just the beginning. The goal, you see, his goal, was far less pedestrian. He sought nothing less than to bring about a revolution. The last artifice of corporate chicanery was about to fall, and the Swashbuckler would be leading the charge.

It was that passion, he knew, which gave him his strength. As he sheathed his cell in his pant pocket and walked out onto the sidewalk, he could feel the appreciative gaze of passersby upon him. There was something about him, something in the glint of his eye, which attracted them. He knew something which they did not, and somehow they could sense that too. Women wanted him, men wanted to be him. “There’s a little bit of the Swashbuckler in everyone,” he thought, “and since I am the Swashbuckler, there must be a little bit more of it in me.”